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| 02:31pm 12/08/2005 |
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I leave tomorrow at 5 am... yea.
wow there are so many things i wish i could do one more time, so many people i want to see and theres just no time. So many things left unsaid. Well i guess this is it. I know that not too many people actually read this but for anyone who does i want you toknow that i love you with all of my heart. everyone who might read this i consider a friend, unless there are people reading it that i dont know about, but i doubt that. and since you are all friends i also want you to know that every single one of you has impacted my life amazingly and has changed me. what youve all done for me is something words cant explain and i really do just love you all soo much. i just want you all to know that before i leave.
OH YEA... NEW CELL NUMBER!!! EVERYONE CALL ME SO ILL HAVE YOUR NUMBERS!! 203 702 3702 CALL ME!
and now a my farewell message to the jags and ravens... cmon people, cut the bullshit. we're all friends and by now we should know that anything any of us did was with best intentions. honestly, no one meant to hurt anyone else. i havent exactly been in the loop with everything, i mean there were times when things were goin on and i didnt find out about them until the week after they happened but ididnt mind because i know your all my friends and i care about you all and im pretty sure you all feel the same way so now im asking you all to do the same thing. is there anything thats happened that you really cant just say "you know what its not that big a deal, i love my friends and its ok" forgive and forget. please, i love you all sooo much and i look forward to and hope beyond hope that at some point in my life ill be able to find you all again. im going so far away tomorrow and i wont be back for a long time and i hate to see my friends like this. so honestly think about that friendship and what it means to you and whatever it is thats happened, just forgive and know that we all love each other and that its not worth it to be angry or mad, theres too much drama over nothing and it just needs to end. like ive said so manyh times and ive meant every time i ever said it, i love you all, and no matter what youll always be in my heart, no matter what you say or do i know that your all great people. ask yourselves right now, if i was leaving tomorrow, would this be how i watn it to end? and if you say no i want it changed, then be that change that you want. "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" |
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| 02:03pm 17/07/2005 |
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So i havent updated in a while and im pretty bored, my life is basically floating from one party to another and hangin with kelly and liz and frank a lot. me and frank almost got killed by some aliens the other day. It was honestly the freakiest thing pretty much in the entire world... yea insanity. Liz got in trouble with her mom the other day and i hope shes ok cause that would suck if she gets in a lot of trouble cause then i wont get to hang out with her nearly as much as i need to because shes amazing. i found out this morning that i got a 5 on my AP calc test which is pretty sweet!! and i really cant complain about anythin in my life right now cause all im really doin is partyin 24 7 and its the sweet life i must say. every once in a while like once a week i take a day off of that though, gotta have some down time ya know? Ive realized that Im becoming a lot more outgoing then i used to be, like i always used to be somewhat outgoing but now Im just out there... its sweet. hahaha i just looked at the entry and I capitilized like half of the things that should be and the other half i didnt and its funny. yea randomness is awesome. well i guess thats it for now ummmmmmmmmm yea i need to chill with like everybody whos anybody so if you fit into that category and i think that most humans do then gimme a call on my cell sometime 860 488 3109 alrighty then
peace out |
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| 11:43am 01/07/2005 |
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last night was fun... had a good time at the party, had a good time with christine just chillin, came home and talked to liz online for a while, then slept... it was pretty sweet. the night couldve been a lot better though... if i didnt have this damn bells palsy... but it should go away in like 2 or 3 days i think, cause now i can move the left side of my mouth again and the right should start up soon... i can feel it wanting to start moving haha.
diving contest was postponed due to a man listening to eric clapton and reading a magazine at like 11 at night... weirdo. itll have to be done another night... after the bells palsy is gone... sweet
movies sometime this week? still a maybe... haha sweet
thats it for now
peace and love to all |
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| 12:50am 29/06/2005 |
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summer is the shit... yea... today was pretty sweet, haha aaron lavender is the man hahaha
the cristening has been done! wow what a stoner thing to say... "no, no. I wanna stay here and look at the fireflies and eat milkduds and be happy"
diving contest on thursday... sweet
movies this week? maybe... sweet
ummm yea... gotta go to bed to get up for NY city tomorrow... then depending on what time i get home... i might continue the naming ceremonies... haha
peace and love
brandon |
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| 06:48pm 09/06/2005 |
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its coming to an end...
im losing faith in everyone...
im losing touch...
it hurts...
im disappointed in a lot right now, the human race in general, a lot of my friends, well i thought they were.
im really glad for others though, just talkin today was nice, we didnt go into a lot of depth with our feeling and we both held back the truth a little i think, but it was still nice, thanks man...
this thing really needs to go down, its wat i need to release my feelings and i think its wat you need too... but im not gonna lie im still afraid of it to a certain extent... i think you are too.
"every new beggining comes from another begginings end"
im dying on the inside, im slowly but surely dying where i am... i need reassurance that somewhere it still exists. thats where i want to be...
its hard sometimes to carry on but i must and ill never stop or give in, i build my pain tolerence everyday, emotionally and physically. i just dont want to hurt anymore. ill die before i give in. i wish someone would read this and really care and fully understand, i know of maybe 2 people who might actually understand, one will read, but i dont know if it will be understood fully. the other wont even bother.
look into my eyes now, emptyness. |
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| Just hear me out, just for once, listen to what i have to say... |
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| 09:21pm 01/06/2005 |
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mood:  contemplative
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Havent complained in a while so i figured i might as well... schools almost over... no complaint there. senior banquet was the other day, it was alright. good food. after dinner and desert i chilled inside for a little while then went outside away from everyone and did some thinkin while staring out across the beautiful scene of the lake and the lights and the clouds and stars. it was truly heavenly, the only thing missing was someone to share the amazing sight with, but i guess you cant have everything. i think i stood in the same spot staring out across the lake not talkin or movin for about an hour. i realized a few things. Im really not going to miss this place much at all. i always thought i wouldnt for the most part but a little bit, but ii know i wont. Ill miss about 5 or 6 people definitely, but not the place or the school... ill miss everyone actually, but 5 or 6 in particular. obviously tcal, we are brothers and nothins gonna change that. weve been through so much together and i love the kid even though he can get annoying at times hes really one of my absolute best friends. Then theres frank, we werent really that close until this year, but now hes one of my best friends and we have so much in common and i feel like he always understands what i say and what im feeling and im so glad we got so close. i wouldnt change our friendship at all... i love ya man. then theres john, weve never really been all that close, but when i talk to john i feel the same thing as when i talk to frank, he just seems to understand me and know what im goin through and in my opinion it works vice versa too. a perfect example was when we watched rushmore at johns house after prom, well after prom morning... and john and i would both laugh at the same things and i would always know exactly what was so funny even when no one else seemed to be laughing. Im sad that we werent closer friends, but im very glad that we are friends and i love you too man. there are more guys id love to mention but im taking up too much time and i need to move on to a couple of girls. Andrea. wat can i say about andrea? i dont even know. shes amazing and smart and funny and fun to be with, to talk to shes absolutely beautiful, and just absolutely one of the most wonderful people that i have ever had the pleasure to meet and be friends with, and trust me, the pleasures all mine haha. i love you andrea, your one of the loves of my life and you always will be. I already miss nicole!!! We started to get close right before she moved away and that was quite upsetting. but we had a lot of fun in the few short weeks before she moved and we had some great and amazing conversations that just blew me away. shes also absolutely amazing, another smart funny fun to talk to and be with and just plain beautiful girl. another love of my life, now and always. last but certainly not... CERTAINLY NOT least is the amazing and wonderful liz! i havent known liz for all that long but even such a short time of knowing her is more then enough for me to love her! weve had so much fun and so many great memories in the short time, things that ill certainly never forget. i love you. dont ever change cause you are fabulous.
Now that i think of it there are so many more people that im gonna miss a lot, but those 6 im really gonna hate to leave. ill meet new people but no one can replace all of my friends i have here. i love you all.
the next thing i thought of was that i was really glad that i was out there and not inside cause there was really nothing for me in there. sure there were friends and such, but it wasnt where i was supposed to be that night. i belonged somewhere else and there was so much more there for me in the spot by the lake looking out at the lights and clouds and perfection. Out there i found beauty, truth, and freedom. that was where i was meant to be that night and over all im so glad i was out there all by myself with nothing but the perfection of the moment. true serenity.
its late and im done typing... i hope you took the time to read this, but if you didnt i cant blame you.
~Brandon |
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| 08:38pm 02/05/2005 |
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mood:  exhausted with life for now
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life jumps and springs upon the unsuspecting people in crazy ways at crazy times.
its all lies... bullshit to make you feel better about the truth, something sounds like a cover up... how can you sacrifice wat could be to stop a possible outcome... you cant do that and be happy with it, you need to try to have a great out come and if it is bad, at least you tried, thats why its all bullshit. dont worry about me, worry about yourself and how you feel and go with that. I know wat im doing and i know wat the risks are and i dont need you worrying about me. if you dont feel the same then ok say that, but dont hide it and say your worried about wat could happen to me... thats the bullshit, thats the shit i hate. you have to go with your feelings, but dont lie about them, tell me the truth, but more importantly tell yourself the truth, watever that may be. cause i just cant accept that crap about worrying about me, cause like ive said many times, i know wat im doing and wat risks im taking and im willing to take the risks. well maybe i am... but thats for me to decide... not someone else.
yea... lifes a crazy thing
golf today in pouring rain... i love golf, not because its the most thrilling sport, but because even though the rest of my day was pretty shitty as soon as i got on the golf course i stopped thinking about the shit that is goin on in my life, i forgot about it entirely for those couple of hours... i guess im like that with all sports, not just golf, but i love it. being able to relax and forget for a while and just love what your doin... its a great feeling.
yea i dont know.... a lot is goin on... more than just one thing about 6 and i have an AP calc test tomorrow morning... crazy... and yea... wait did i say 6 things? hahaha im sorry i meant like 60 and almost all of them are shitty... yea its interesting, but i dont give a shit anymore, i think i just need to survive for now, and then start over in college i guess... its sad that its come to that but... whatever it takes i guess....
im out for now... enough talking
peace out |
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| 12:26pm 28/04/2005 |
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havent written in just about forever... lifes been good had an awesome spring break and things are sweet. ummm a lot has happened but i dont want to type it all down right now so you can ask me if you really care to... breezy is like the coolest person ever. haha she makes me feel so alive when im hangin out with her hahaha its fun. i think today after golf im gonna see the movie lil pimp with tom and its gonna be sweet and then this weekend maybe watch it again with some other people... aka some girls if its a good movie to watch with chicks, which it will be and its gonna be sweet
bell just rang gotta go
peace |
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| 12:30am 11/04/2005 |
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this weekend was extremely fun. I chilled with some people that i really havent hung out with much before, though i did know them... well except for one of them who i met for the first time when we chilled on friday. haha. then saturday night i chilled with them again and we had more fun fun fun haha. and on sunday i was just chillin with tcal all day. thats a vague... well... extremely vague outline of my weekend. hahaha it was a good time. peace and love! |
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| 09:35pm 05/04/2005 |
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mood:  awesome
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Things have been goin really well lately for me. Nicole is comin up for prom and is my prom date, I love her (SOO happy!!!), Andrea is awesome and amazing and I love her, golf has started and is sweet, been playin some bball which i havent done in months, and life is pretty much just great!
Havent hung out with the wonderful liz too much lately :(. its cause i have golf after school... but we still chill basically every weekend.
Sooo i was thinkin the other day about love and life and such and i realized that i owe diana maldanado abig time, because it was her birthday party that she invited me to sophmore year where i met the 2 loves of my life. It made me think about the conversation i had with liz last week about how one moment can change EVERYTHING in your life and one little action or decision can make soooooooooo much of a difference. wat if i decided not to go to dianas birthday, where would i be now? would i have ever gotten close to nicole and andrea? or even talked to them more then just a hi? or wat if i didnt talk to them after the party? one little moment can make all the difference, but im sooo glad things worked out the way they did because i love them both so much, more then i think they know.
Soooo yea... life is good... im content and happy with it all and i wouldnt change a thing!
Peace and love! |
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| 12:53am 03/04/2005 |
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mood:  AMAZING
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I AM THE HAPPIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!!
Is this real? Wow...
Im now looking forward to prom soooo much. I wasnt really excited about prom at all, but now I think I will be the happiest person at our senior prom.
yay! I cant even begin to explain how incredibly excited and happy I am!
I LOVE YOU! |
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| 09:50am 26/03/2005 |
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We sat on the thrones and ruled the lands for a time. For moments here and there. That was then, now the world has crashed down on me crushing the kingdom I had built. The thrones still stand, but now another sits upon the seat of the king. |
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| "read between the lines whats fucked up, and everythings alright" |
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| 08:30am 26/03/2005 |
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mood:  depressed
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Yea that about sums it up. Theres something missing from my life. Im not sure exactly what yet, but its something big. I can feel it like a hole in my soul. The hole seems to get bigger every day. And I dont know how to fil it. I need somethin there. < thats the between the lines, thats wats fucked up.
But come talk to me in school youll see me and talk to me and nothing in the world will seem to be bothering me. Amazing how that works. Most people wont suspect a thing. There might be 3 or 4 people who will know somethin is wrong by how im acting, but most will just think im fein fein fein. < and thats the everythings alright.
A representation of my life through song... thank you boulevard of broken dreams |
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| Relax and take your time to look around you and to live |
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| 10:10pm 23/03/2005 |
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mood:  relaxed
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My parents just had a long talk with me about college for no good reason. It was boring and they kept sayin a lot of stuff about how I wasnt ready blah blah blah. so yea that was fun.
Right now I'm just talkin to some peeps and chillin. Thinkin about stuff, too much stuff. Head is still full to the brim with thoughts of everything. I want to get them all out and down on here so that they wont be in my head so much, but if I start to put them down then I might be here until 3 tomorrow morning and I really dont wanna type for that long.
I need love. I need the feeling I get when I've found someone who is my everything, even if it doesn't last more than a few weeks. I just need to feel that again. Not just me loving someone though, it has to be the shared love. It's one of the greatest feelings I've ever felt in my life and I need it again. Especially on a night like this. With the snow and cold outside all I want to do is cuddle up with a special girl and hold her and feel her heart beat, hear her breathe, and relax. Just perfect. Love. What a way to free my soul, just the word makes me happy and light. Just the thought makes me sigh and smile. I can almost feel the love, but its not the same. I need somebody, not just anybody, I need YOU.
Im off to bed now,
Night Everyone I love you all! |
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| 03:48pm 23/03/2005 |
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Hey everybody!
Its been a while since my last post i realize. I've been having fun with life. Play is over, yet we still meet up at least like 3 times a week and have sleepovers cause we are AMAZING like that. Oh gid... i have so many thoughts in my head right now and i dont think theres any way to get them all out and some of them i dont want being read by people. Well i think im just gonna start tyoing and see what comes out... this should be interesting!
So yea the last few weeks have been great and ive been having so much fun with friends and having a great time and in all this ive really noticed how much im gonna miss you all when we split ways and go to college. *tear*
I still dont know wat im gonna do about prom! ahhh i forgot about it until just now actually... hmmm... not good. no clue who to go with! but watever... ill figure smethin out... or, ill go alone hmm
well i do have A LOT more to say, but i have to go so ill update again later i guess |
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| 01:58pm 13/03/2005 |
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mood:  numb
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I dont even know what to say. Theres a flood of emotions all inside of me rying to get out. Im really upset that the play is over, but i know it had to end sometime. I guess it ended the right way, with the little comedies of the play and then the party at Mal's then at Miah's. It was a good way to end a great thing. I really am going to miss it sooooooooooooooooooooooo much next year!! im so sad. I met the most amazing people doing the play and I can honestly say that the play was the best part of my high school career. I wanna say thank you to everyone involved because you are all so amazing and youve made my life absolutely amazing! I dont even know what to feel. Im so glad that I dont have to say man I wish I had done this since freshman year, because I have and I loved every second of every year. I guess I got the most out of it that I could, but it's still really sad. The play is my life and Im gonna miss seeing everyone in it like every night and being on the NMHS stage... Its such a hard thing to face when such a good thing comes to an end. Every year I've been so sad when the play ended. but now its 849302 times worse because its not just over for the year, its over for good. :'( im so sad now.
I love you all soooo much more than any of you can even know!
Im never gonna forget the play or any of you who made my life so wonderful! thank you all and i really really really do LOVE YOU ALL!!!! |
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| nothin left to say |
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| 10:02pm 08/03/2005 |
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mood:  weird
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i dont have anything to say today... i just felt like i should post. so im writing nothing.
ta ta! |
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| "Why do we always feel its necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?" |
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| 03:15am 06/03/2005 |
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Play is going excellently. First night was sweet, especially when John threw a rubber chicken into Mack's balls, hahahaha, wow that was funny. Miahs party rocked and Katiri's sleep over. Second night kicked ass too. Sara had a last second cast party and that made my day. Im addicted to Sobe Adrenaline because it makes me so hyper. Still haven't decided if I;m gonna go to prom or not. I suppose it really depends on who I would take, but I dont know who to ask. Im so confused right now and I hate it. Im such a lazy person. Now, while thinking about girls and prom Im gonna type watever comes into my mind. I really wanna go to prom cause its senior prom and al my friends are going and I love everybody, but I dont know who to go with and I dont want to go with somebody as "friend" cause i hate doing that Id rather go and see them there because theyre my friend so wats the fuckin difference. I really dont wanna end up without a date again though, just like every thing else ive ever been to and just like every valentines day of every year. ALONE, such a strange word and a powerful word. A word that can destroy a person, a thought that can leave you in tears. strange how some words can do so much but most are just meaningless sounds that keep us from going crazy.
So yea I dont know wat the fucks going on in my head or with my life or wat the hell im gonna do about it.
I feel like Im trapped in some video game, everything is a test. Even simple things like school seem to be just a big game. They tell other people your skill level by giving you a letter, A throught F (excluding E), and then that simple letter can be a base for wat happens next in your adventure. Your thought of as stupid if you manage to get the F that nobody wants and instead of talking to you people see wat youve done in the past and judge you by that. Just because im lazy doesnt mean im a bum, because i failed does that mean im stupid? find out for yourself Life, sit and talk to me. Ill give you my opinions you give me yours because thats wat it really all is, opinions. Everything we "know" is just an opinion. We "know" so many things, but just because we believe it to be true does that make it true? maybe it does, maybe truth, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Everybodies "truth" could be different, but it would still be truth. If 2 people see the same scene from different angles, sides, and mind-sets and explain exactly what they witnessed, the account would be different, but they would both be telling the truth. Wat we "know" is wat we believe to be the truth. So truth is knowledge, and knowledge is truth, but both are opinion and both could be wrong.
the last half of that last section gives you a small look at how my mind works and thinks. yea... i have to put up with some confusing shit like that going through my mind refining it self into simple thoughts of "truth" every day, 24/7/365.
On a completely different note. Every time I see you I get stuck thinking about the past. I want a new start, an erased history so that I can see you how I used to, but everytime I try I cant get over the past and where we used to be and where we are now. You cant create a future when your constantly stuck in the past, and thats where i find myself when I talk to you. I dont know.
thats enough writing for tonight. tired, need sleep.
P.S.
Maybe if Im lucky i'll get another anonymous post. haha ; ) |
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| 10:09pm 01/03/2005 |
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This last week has gone by REALLY slowly. Its lasted just about... FOREVER! but not in a bad way, its been a really fun week too. So today was an awesome snow day except for the fact that Once Upon A Mattress is now SCREWED, but It'll be alright! How? I dont know... its a mystery, but it just will be. I saw Napoleon Dynamite today... FINALLY, and I must say that as I expected, it was AMAZING. hahah I capitalized a lot of words in this entry so far. SWEET! Tomorrow, school, hopefully a 90 minute delay. That'd be nice. I would love to type more, but my dad is tellin me to get off the comp, so now... IM OUT!
PEACE AND LOVE TO ALL!!!!! |
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